If today was your last day.

Yesterday my small community was rocked back on it’s heels after the tragic and senseless shooting of Coach Ed Thomas. I live very close to Parkersburg and many of my teenagers knew him personally. My sister-in-law worked with him very closely.

When I first heard the news I was in shock. I live in small town Iowa how could things like this happen here? Why did this happen to a great man? Not only is his life gone but his killer has ruined his own life.

As my mom and I drove to Waterloo for doctor appointments I commented that I wondered if Coach Thomas had kissed his wife goodbye and told his family that he loved them. Surely he had no indication that in a few short hours his life would be over.

I am reminded that we are promised nothing. Not a one of us is guaranteed to have tomorrow. There is nothing that says you will have tomorrow.

I look at my wonderful children and I wonder what would I do if I had no hope of tomorrow? I have made no secret of my divorce and after the tragic events of yesterday it makes the petty and yes stupid squabbles between myself and my ex seem so wrong.

If tomorrow was never going to come for me would I make peace with him? Yes I think I would. I know that I can never go back to him (the feelings just aren’t there) but I would like to be his friend. Would I make sure that my children knew that they were the most important things in my life. I hope that I do that anyway. Would I make sure that my family knew that I loved them? Would my friends miss me? Would I leave a legacy?

I try very hard to live my life that Jesus commands that I do but I am not the perfect Christian. I do hope that other people see Christ in me. If my life were to be over would people remember me as a Godly woman? Would they remember me as one who made her own path while following the Lord? Would they remember me as one who witnessed? Would I be remembered as one of Christ’s own?

As I ponder this senseless waste of two lives I must make sure that how I will be remembered is based on how I live today. If I want people to remember me as a Godly woman then I better be one. If I want to be remembered as a wonderful mother then I better be one. If I want to be remembered as one who witnessed then I better witness.

Just remember that a legacy is what you choose to leave on this world. People will remember you for who you were and for what you did not for what YOU want them to remember. Live your life now the way that you want people to remember you when you are gone.

I know that when my time here is done I want my Lord to say to me “Well done good and faithful servant.” Wishing is going to make that happen I am. If I want God to see me as a good and faithful servant then I better be one.

I will live each day as if it was my last. Will you?

HELP!!!!!!

I am so torn right now. I am struggling with decisions that are some of the hardest that I have ever had to make. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I know that my children love their dad and that they need him in their life but the constant lack of stability and lack of care is getting to all of us. I let him watch the boys while I am at work and I come home to find Nick has a black eye because his dad was watching TV instead of him.
My boys use foul language that I know they haven’t heard from me.(Yes I have a tendency to swear but NEVER in front of my children) I have had to become the heavy and the one that does the disciplining because he doesn’t.

Chris had a ball game and did very well and his dad hasn’t  said he was proud of Chris or anything. It breaks my heart when Chris asks ” Did Daddy say anything to you Mommy?” What do I say to him? Why is it so easy for him to ignore the basic needs of his children?

As we get closer to being divorced the judge ordered him to pay child support. That order came through a month ago today and he is already behind. I understand that things are tight for him and that it is hard to pay bills but I am in the same boat. I support my children on my own (and with three active boys that is a hard thing to do) and it’s not fair for him to expect me to do that. They are HIS children to.

My lawyer wants to garnish his wages and I am of the opinion that she should but I am getting a lot of opposition on that from my family, that I should just let him be and not have to pay. My family thinks that I should let God deal with him and his refusal to help but if he won’t help me with the boys needs why should I let him see them?

I have sole custody right now and he is only allowed to see the boys if I say it is okay. I don’t want to hurt him or my boys but in the other hand I cannot allow him to pick and choose when he wants to be a father. If I tell him that he can see them without helping to support them then he is getting his way and the boys and I are the ones that suffer because I am stretched to the max but if I say no you can’t see the boys because you won’t help then I am the big bad b**** because I won’t let Daddy come over.

No matter what I do I am the one that loses. I am the one that left the marriage (and took the boys with me) even though I had very valid reasons to leave. I am the one that filed for divorce because I could no longer live in the emotional battlefield that my children and I were living in. I am the one that asked for child support because I can not support my kids on my own and now I am the one that has to decide whether or not he can see his children.

Do I issue the ultimatum that if he doesn’t support them then he can’t see them? Or do I allow him to see his children whenever he decides to be a dad and let him get by scott free?

This is not a decision that I can make lightly nor can I make it alone. I need prayer and I need wisdom. I just want everything to be settled and be done with and I am so afraid that it is going to get nasty. I hate the fact that my marriage is over and the the relationship between myself and my ex-husband has deteriorated to the point where I cannot even have a civil conversation with him.

I hate the fact that when my children are with their dad I wonder and worry that they are not being taken care of. I hate the fact that I can’t even trust him with the children that we had together. I hate the fact that I know deep in my heart my kids are better off when they don’t see their dad.

I hate the fact that I am 30 years old and I am starting over again with three kids. I hate the fact that my oldest cried and said “Mommy I pray that God will bring US a man that loves ALL of us and will be a dad to me and my brothers.”

They have a dad and they shouldn’t have to feel like they need a new one. My heart hurts and even though I am for the most part happier then I have ever been I am still very upset over what is happening to my children. I can walk away from their dad very easily but my kids can’t. No matter what happens he is still their father and he always will be.

Lord I pray that you will guide me during this time of struggle and need. Lord you are my source and my guide and right now I need you to carry me through this. I cannot make this decision myself. If I would even try I would let my anger influence my decision and I cannot do that. Heal this hurt in myself and in my children and Lord I pray for their dad. Allow him to see that being a father never stops and that being a father means you support you children in every way. Help him to remember that being physically there doesn’t mean squat if you are gone emotionally. Just be with my family Lord as we go through all of this. I pray that everything will be done in your time Lord and that I will have the patience to wait on you.

I also pray Lord that you either heal the relationship between my children and their dad or bring them a man that will be the godly father and husband (I know I have said that I have no desire to get married again but who am I kidding?)

In you most holy name I pray,

Amen.