HELP!!!!!!
Posted by doodlebug79 on 06/04/2009
I am so torn right now. I am struggling with decisions that are some of the hardest that I have ever had to make. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
I know that my children love their dad and that they need him in their life but the constant lack of stability and lack of care is getting to all of us. I let him watch the boys while I am at work and I come home to find Nick has a black eye because his dad was watching TV instead of him.
My boys use foul language that I know they haven’t heard from me.(Yes I have a tendency to swear but NEVER in front of my children) I have had to become the heavy and the one that does the disciplining because he doesn’t.
Chris had a ball game and did very well and his dad hasn’t said he was proud of Chris or anything. It breaks my heart when Chris asks ” Did Daddy say anything to you Mommy?” What do I say to him? Why is it so easy for him to ignore the basic needs of his children?
As we get closer to being divorced the judge ordered him to pay child support. That order came through a month ago today and he is already behind. I understand that things are tight for him and that it is hard to pay bills but I am in the same boat. I support my children on my own (and with three active boys that is a hard thing to do) and it’s not fair for him to expect me to do that. They are HIS children to.
My lawyer wants to garnish his wages and I am of the opinion that she should but I am getting a lot of opposition on that from my family, that I should just let him be and not have to pay. My family thinks that I should let God deal with him and his refusal to help but if he won’t help me with the boys needs why should I let him see them?
I have sole custody right now and he is only allowed to see the boys if I say it is okay. I don’t want to hurt him or my boys but in the other hand I cannot allow him to pick and choose when he wants to be a father. If I tell him that he can see them without helping to support them then he is getting his way and the boys and I are the ones that suffer because I am stretched to the max but if I say no you can’t see the boys because you won’t help then I am the big bad b**** because I won’t let Daddy come over.
No matter what I do I am the one that loses. I am the one that left the marriage (and took the boys with me) even though I had very valid reasons to leave. I am the one that filed for divorce because I could no longer live in the emotional battlefield that my children and I were living in. I am the one that asked for child support because I can not support my kids on my own and now I am the one that has to decide whether or not he can see his children.
Do I issue the ultimatum that if he doesn’t support them then he can’t see them? Or do I allow him to see his children whenever he decides to be a dad and let him get by scott free?
This is not a decision that I can make lightly nor can I make it alone. I need prayer and I need wisdom. I just want everything to be settled and be done with and I am so afraid that it is going to get nasty. I hate the fact that my marriage is over and the the relationship between myself and my ex-husband has deteriorated to the point where I cannot even have a civil conversation with him.
I hate the fact that when my children are with their dad I wonder and worry that they are not being taken care of. I hate the fact that I can’t even trust him with the children that we had together. I hate the fact that I know deep in my heart my kids are better off when they don’t see their dad.
I hate the fact that I am 30 years old and I am starting over again with three kids. I hate the fact that my oldest cried and said “Mommy I pray that God will bring US a man that loves ALL of us and will be a dad to me and my brothers.”
They have a dad and they shouldn’t have to feel like they need a new one. My heart hurts and even though I am for the most part happier then I have ever been I am still very upset over what is happening to my children. I can walk away from their dad very easily but my kids can’t. No matter what happens he is still their father and he always will be.
Lord I pray that you will guide me during this time of struggle and need. Lord you are my source and my guide and right now I need you to carry me through this. I cannot make this decision myself. If I would even try I would let my anger influence my decision and I cannot do that. Heal this hurt in myself and in my children and Lord I pray for their dad. Allow him to see that being a father never stops and that being a father means you support you children in every way. Help him to remember that being physically there doesn’t mean squat if you are gone emotionally. Just be with my family Lord as we go through all of this. I pray that everything will be done in your time Lord and that I will have the patience to wait on you.
I also pray Lord that you either heal the relationship between my children and their dad or bring them a man that will be the godly father and husband (I know I have said that I have no desire to get married again but who am I kidding?)
In you most holy name I pray,
Amen.
Parsons wife said
A man came into the can company today and just out of the blue told this story. Years ago, as a young husband and father he began a business with a partner who was quite a bit older. Unknown to him, the older man took most of the money and left this man with a debt of $275,000. This man prayed about the situation and rather than let it go to court, he backed away and allowed God to deal with the situation.
The other man took his own son in as a partner and the son was as bad as his father. He skimmed away all the money and finally left the man destitute and bankrupt. The man who was telling me this story had no idea who I was or what was going on in your life. All he knew, was that God had taken care of a terrible situation and redeemed him and his feelings of being ruined.
We are not going to tell you what to do, but just consider letting God be the judge of the situation.
Michelle Lynsey Matheny said
Girl – you’re in my prayers, for certain. I know the EXACT pain you’re going through, and I just want you to know that I’m here. I’ve been in the same spot, with a few tweaks. I know how hard it is to go through all of this, and how it feels when they just don’t step up. I will tell you one thing – when it comes to support, you need to do what you think your KIDS would expect from you, only in about 5-10 years. The message they get when support isn’t paid is loud and clear – and on that point, I don’t think you can let him off the hook. It took me YEARS to get to where I would allow the state to collect it, and have wages garnished. My girls have told me that they are SO GLAD that I did that… It’s a long story, so if you wanna talk and hear more, feel free to call (816-797-7433). I’m here – no matter what, I’m here.