Right now I don’t even know where to begin. My heart is so heavy with the burdens that I carry. I know that I need to take them to the Lord but it is so hard when sometimes I don’t even know if He still hears me. I am so consumed by my burdens that I don’t even know if I could hear His voice. There are times that I feel like I am standing in a crowded room screaming and yet nobody pays any attention to what is going on in my world.
I look at my children and I wonder, am I doing the right things for them? Am I being the best mother that I can be? Do I show them the love that they deserve? Am I doing the right thing by going back to school right now? Am I doing the right thing by not working? I have so many questions burning in my head that I’m getting a headache. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I am so worried about my children right now. I worry about Chris as he begins his teen years. I worry about Brad and whether or not he has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. I worry about Nicky and how he will grow up. I worry that the fact that I am a single mom will hurt my children in the long run.
My children need a stable father figure in their lives and right now they don’t have one. I have prayed and prayed for God to send me a man who will love me and my children in the way that we deserve to be loved and yet I am still alone. Why am I still alone?!? Am I being punished for getting divorced? Am I meant to spend the rest of my life alone and unloved? I want someone to love me more than anything. As much as I have complained about marriage in the past I would give anything to have someone love me enough to want to marry me.
I am so consumed by theses thoughts and doubts that it’s affecting my life. I don’t want to teach my youth group and that is wrong. But how can I tell them to trust in God when right now I don’t even feel that He is hearing my cries? My world feels like it’s spinning out of control and I am helpless to stop it. I want off this roller coaster but I don’t know how to get down.
The thoughts that scare me the most is that I feel my battles with food returning, and that is not a place that I want to be right now. I don’t want to be stuck in that mindset any more. I don’t want to feel this out of control anymore. I want MY life back.
Lord, I am on my knees. I am crying out for you to help me. Lord please put my life back on Your tracks. Lord I am begging for you to touch my children and if it is in YOUR will I would ask that you heal them.
Lord, I pray for the relationship between me and my children and between my children and their father. Lord only you can heal these hurts and take away the scars that color the way I look at things. Lord I ask that you restore my trust in you and in people. Lord I pray that you renew in me a passion for you. Lord I pray that you give me the strength to see the world as you see it.
Lord I pray that you give me the strength to eat and not analyze every bite of food that I touch. Lord I pray that you help me see my self as I truly am. Lord I pray that whatever causes me to see my self negatively that you take that away. Lord, heal the hurts in my life that cause me to feel that way. Lord, I pray that from now on I live for you. Lord I place my trust, my children, and my very life in your hands. From now on Lord I want to live for you. I no longer want to go through the robotic motions of believing. Lord from now on I will truly live my life for you. Lord, I even ask that you help me with my control issues.
Lord I cannot live my life without you, but I also cannot live alone. Lord, I pray for a husband. I pray Lord that you will bring me a godly man who loves you as I do. Lord I pray for a man who will love ME as you do. Lord I pray that you will bring him to me in your time but selfishly I pray that you don’t make me wait to long. Lord I know that you have heard me and I wait for your answers to my prayers.
Lord, you are my everything and if I haven’t shown you then I am sorry. You are the reason that I live and I want to live more truly for you.
In your most holy name I pray,
Amen.
