God as our father

How many times have we heard and been told that God is our heavenly father? For many Christians we have been taught that from birth. We look at God as our heavenly counterpart to what we have on earth. For past generations this was a good thing. Fathers were the head of the house, the stern yet loving man who would discipline yet love in every way he could. He provided for his family and made sure that his children knew that above all they were loved.

Fathers aren’t such a good thing anymore. In today’s society fathers are seen as dispensable. If they are part of the family than they are seen as distant. If they are not in the home then many are part-time fathers. All to often nowadays many children don’t even know who their fathers are. Why is this? Why has the father been so attacked in today’s society?

When my oldest son was three he had a hard time understanding the “heavenly father” concept. The first time that he heard that phrase he burst into tears, crying out that if God was a father then he wanted NOTHING to do with God. He went on to say that fathers leave you and don’t care so why would he want a heavenly father that would leave and not care about him? As I listened to Chris sobbing over the fact that God is our father I realized something. To him a father is NOT a good thing to have. For most of his life he has had very little contact with his biological father and his adoptive father (my ex-husband) isn’t much better.

Chris isn’t alone in this place either. Simply because the father has been reduced to a monthly child support check or a joke on the daytime talk shows way to many children have no idea what a father is supposed to be. When children have no good earthly father how on earth can they understand a heavenly father? For that reason I think is why Satan has made it his purpose to destroy the institution of fatherhood.

I look at my own children who, through no fault of their own, have a rotten earthly father. If it wasn’t for my dad they would have no idea how a father can be loving and kind. If their dad was all they had then I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t fully trust in God. It falls to me as their mother and sole parent to teach them that God is love and that even though they don’t have the greatest dad here on earth, they have an amazing dad in heaven taking care of them. This is not an easy task.

As Christians we need to rise up as a whole and not let the institution of fatherhood be destroyed. Mothers and fathers need to band together and teach our young boys that being a father takes more than just getting a girl pregnant. We need to show them that to be a true godly father they need to treat and raise their children the way that God loves us and treats us. Children need to learn that being a parent is the greatest joy ever.

I know that as a mother I never knew what it was like to truly love someone until I had my kids, and if the way I feel about my kids is even remotely how God feels about me then the love he has for me must be indescribable. That is what children need to grow up learning about. We can teach law and righteousness but if they don’t understand the love that is behind those laws then will they follow? Probably not. Just going off of my own experience I realize that children aren’t going to understand the love of God unless they have a mother or a father who loves them in that way.

My challenge for anyone who reads this is simple. If you have kids strive to show them the godly love that you have. Strive to teach them the love of God and to show them the truth of his ways. If you don’t have children then show his love to anyone that you meet. If you see a child that may not have a father or mother then get involved, be a friend. Get involved in a ministry that will help these lost children understand that God as our father is not a bad thing to have.

Lets raise up a generation of selfless godly parents who will find it a joy and an honor to bring their children up in the ways of our Lord. I will raise my children to love God and to serve him.

Will you?

Living in the Lord.

It has been months since I last posted a blog due to a heavy work schedule and upheaval in my life. Since the last time I wrote my divorce became final and the tension between my ex husband and I has been rough. Over the past few weeks at youth group I have been talking about living your life for the Lord. Due to what has been happening in my own life its been a rough road to take and to teach about.

For me living my life in the Lord means so many things. It isn’t about a religion. It’s my faith, it’s my lifestyle, it’s a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It means that in everything that I do I do to bring glory and honor to him. I tell my teenagers all the time that when we sin and do something wrong that we make Jesus do that also. That is such a sobering thought.

Simply stating that we believe in Jesus isn’t enough. We have to live wholly and truly for him. It’s isn’t easy. Sin is always around just waiting to tempt us with things that we desire. I am single right now (by choice) and the lack of physical companionship is tough but how can I tell my teens and my own children to abstain if I myself am not willing to? How can I tell young girls that they are worth so much more than a quick roll in the hay if I lower my standards and give in?

I must admit there are days when the loneliness threatens to consume me. I want an adult to talk to, I would love to have somebody that I can just hang out with, but I can not and will not put myself in a situation where I won’t be respected and where my faith in Jesus won’t be. Waiting on God’s time to bring me His chosen partner is hard.

I must admit I have a hard time watching my tongue. I have a very sharp wit and I can insult so well that you don’t feel the sting right away, but is that how Jesus would want me to use my wit? I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and there are times where my sarcasm comes off as being rude. If I know this then why is it so hard for me to stop? Wouldn’t it be better to use that for other reasons?

What I have discovered and I absolutely love this about teaching teens is that I am growing in Christ right along with them. My faith in the Lord has gotten so much deeper and stronger and yet I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I can believe in Him.

When I was younger I hated my name. I thought that my first name was boring and that my middle name was old-fashioned. Not only that my first name means truthful and I wasn’t always the most truthful person growing up. As I have gotten older I love having to live up to my first name but it’s my middle name that I will be forever grateful to my parents for giving me. My middle name is Faith.

Such a small word but such a huge meaning. I proudly wear my middle name on a ring to remind me everyday to live and to show my faith to the world. As I live, learn, laugh and love I will strive to live for Him.

Will you?

What I want.

I woke up this morning and I realized that I have been separated for nearly a year already and in a month or less my divorce will be final. As I laid there in bed I thought about what I want out of my life.

I do want a relationship as I really dislike being single. I want a man that will wake up in the morning and his first thoughts will be of me. I want a man that I can sit down and actually talk to about anything and everything. I want a man that knows when to talk and when to listen. I want a man that will hold me when I need to cry.

Yesterday I had a hard time controlling my tears and all I really wanted was to have someone hold me in his arms and just be there for me. Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful group of friends (you know who you are) and I have the most awesome parents and I have a wonderful youth group but its not the same.

I love my children and I know that they love me but they cannot be my sole companions. I love my mother and I don’t know what I would do without her but again my mother cannot be the only person that I do things with. She has my dad and I am just their child.

I am going on vacation with my children soon and while I am looking forward to it I am reminded of how very lonely I am. I have been lonely for a long time. My ex-husband didn’t talk much to me and when he did it was all about him and his day. When we did take the children places all he did was complain.

I told a friend of mine that I am not going to settle anymore. While yes looks aren’t everything I do know what I am attracted to and I don’t have to be with someone just becuse HE wants me. If the attraction isn’t strong on my part from the beginning then I am not even going to pursue a relationship.

I dated someone for a very short time about four  months ago and through that short relationship I realized that I can do so much better then what I did. I found myself very attracted to this man but I wasn’t going to act on it as I was still legally married in fact I hadn’t even told my ex husband that I wanted a divorce. We were separated but that was it.

As my marriage continued to fall apart and I saw this man at work I tried very hard to keep my distance. On my birthday he asked me if I was going to continue to be married or if it was over. When I told him that it was over and that I could no longer be married he asked if I would like to have dinner with him. I declined but we exchanged phone numbers.

Over the course of a month we texted and had spent time together but we did not see each other until my ex and I had agreed to a divorce. This relationship did not last and it was for the best as his faith is not near as strong as mine but it did give me a glimpse of what I want in life.

The chances of me ever seeing this man again are slim and if I did I would have to tell him thank you. Through that time I spent with him I have really discovered what it is that I need.

Lord Jesus here is my prayer for a partner in life. Lord I need a man that has a strong faith in you. A faith that is strong enough to lead me and support me in my minisrty. I need a man that is intellectualy my equal. I need a man that has a call on his life that will not only support my work with teens but one that will jump right in and help.

I need a man that loves children and will be willing to be a second dad to my boys. I need a man that will love me the way that you do Lord. I need a man that would be willing to lay down his life for me and my children. I want a man that will accept me and love me for who I am, craziness and all. I want a man that will not be threatened by my beauty but rejoice in and even be proud to have me by his side.

As selfish as it is I do want a man that is pleasing to the eye and one who takes pride in his appearence. I want someone that will look at me as though I am the most beautiful woman alive and one that will tell me when he finds me beautiful. I want a man that will not be afraid to talk about his feelings with me. I want a man that will love me enough that he wont hesitate to hurt my feelings if he needs to.

I want a man that wants a woman with a backbone. I want a man that wants a woman who speaks her mind. I want a man that gets my sarcastic sense of humor. I want a man that gets me. Quite simply Lord I want the man that you have hand picked for me and I know that I haven’t met him yet.

I told my mother today that I am willing, in fact I want to be single until I met him. Lord my life is in your hands and it’s in your time that I will met him. I truly believe that he is out there somewhere just waiting to meet me to. No matter how long it takes I am waiting on you. I would rather have just a few years of the right person then spend the rest of my life in a situation that is not healthy for me or my children.

Lord you know my hearts desire better then even I do and I place my trust and my heart in your hands. I trust in you Lord and I know that everything will be worth the wait.

If today was your last day.

Yesterday my small community was rocked back on it’s heels after the tragic and senseless shooting of Coach Ed Thomas. I live very close to Parkersburg and many of my teenagers knew him personally. My sister-in-law worked with him very closely.

When I first heard the news I was in shock. I live in small town Iowa how could things like this happen here? Why did this happen to a great man? Not only is his life gone but his killer has ruined his own life.

As my mom and I drove to Waterloo for doctor appointments I commented that I wondered if Coach Thomas had kissed his wife goodbye and told his family that he loved them. Surely he had no indication that in a few short hours his life would be over.

I am reminded that we are promised nothing. Not a one of us is guaranteed to have tomorrow. There is nothing that says you will have tomorrow.

I look at my wonderful children and I wonder what would I do if I had no hope of tomorrow? I have made no secret of my divorce and after the tragic events of yesterday it makes the petty and yes stupid squabbles between myself and my ex seem so wrong.

If tomorrow was never going to come for me would I make peace with him? Yes I think I would. I know that I can never go back to him (the feelings just aren’t there) but I would like to be his friend. Would I make sure that my children knew that they were the most important things in my life. I hope that I do that anyway. Would I make sure that my family knew that I loved them? Would my friends miss me? Would I leave a legacy?

I try very hard to live my life that Jesus commands that I do but I am not the perfect Christian. I do hope that other people see Christ in me. If my life were to be over would people remember me as a Godly woman? Would they remember me as one who made her own path while following the Lord? Would they remember me as one who witnessed? Would I be remembered as one of Christ’s own?

As I ponder this senseless waste of two lives I must make sure that how I will be remembered is based on how I live today. If I want people to remember me as a Godly woman then I better be one. If I want to be remembered as a wonderful mother then I better be one. If I want to be remembered as one who witnessed then I better witness.

Just remember that a legacy is what you choose to leave on this world. People will remember you for who you were and for what you did not for what YOU want them to remember. Live your life now the way that you want people to remember you when you are gone.

I know that when my time here is done I want my Lord to say to me “Well done good and faithful servant.” Wishing is going to make that happen I am. If I want God to see me as a good and faithful servant then I better be one.

I will live each day as if it was my last. Will you?

HELP!!!!!!

I am so torn right now. I am struggling with decisions that are some of the hardest that I have ever had to make. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I know that my children love their dad and that they need him in their life but the constant lack of stability and lack of care is getting to all of us. I let him watch the boys while I am at work and I come home to find Nick has a black eye because his dad was watching TV instead of him.
My boys use foul language that I know they haven’t heard from me.(Yes I have a tendency to swear but NEVER in front of my children) I have had to become the heavy and the one that does the disciplining because he doesn’t.

Chris had a ball game and did very well and his dad hasn’t  said he was proud of Chris or anything. It breaks my heart when Chris asks ” Did Daddy say anything to you Mommy?” What do I say to him? Why is it so easy for him to ignore the basic needs of his children?

As we get closer to being divorced the judge ordered him to pay child support. That order came through a month ago today and he is already behind. I understand that things are tight for him and that it is hard to pay bills but I am in the same boat. I support my children on my own (and with three active boys that is a hard thing to do) and it’s not fair for him to expect me to do that. They are HIS children to.

My lawyer wants to garnish his wages and I am of the opinion that she should but I am getting a lot of opposition on that from my family, that I should just let him be and not have to pay. My family thinks that I should let God deal with him and his refusal to help but if he won’t help me with the boys needs why should I let him see them?

I have sole custody right now and he is only allowed to see the boys if I say it is okay. I don’t want to hurt him or my boys but in the other hand I cannot allow him to pick and choose when he wants to be a father. If I tell him that he can see them without helping to support them then he is getting his way and the boys and I are the ones that suffer because I am stretched to the max but if I say no you can’t see the boys because you won’t help then I am the big bad b**** because I won’t let Daddy come over.

No matter what I do I am the one that loses. I am the one that left the marriage (and took the boys with me) even though I had very valid reasons to leave. I am the one that filed for divorce because I could no longer live in the emotional battlefield that my children and I were living in. I am the one that asked for child support because I can not support my kids on my own and now I am the one that has to decide whether or not he can see his children.

Do I issue the ultimatum that if he doesn’t support them then he can’t see them? Or do I allow him to see his children whenever he decides to be a dad and let him get by scott free?

This is not a decision that I can make lightly nor can I make it alone. I need prayer and I need wisdom. I just want everything to be settled and be done with and I am so afraid that it is going to get nasty. I hate the fact that my marriage is over and the the relationship between myself and my ex-husband has deteriorated to the point where I cannot even have a civil conversation with him.

I hate the fact that when my children are with their dad I wonder and worry that they are not being taken care of. I hate the fact that I can’t even trust him with the children that we had together. I hate the fact that I know deep in my heart my kids are better off when they don’t see their dad.

I hate the fact that I am 30 years old and I am starting over again with three kids. I hate the fact that my oldest cried and said “Mommy I pray that God will bring US a man that loves ALL of us and will be a dad to me and my brothers.”

They have a dad and they shouldn’t have to feel like they need a new one. My heart hurts and even though I am for the most part happier then I have ever been I am still very upset over what is happening to my children. I can walk away from their dad very easily but my kids can’t. No matter what happens he is still their father and he always will be.

Lord I pray that you will guide me during this time of struggle and need. Lord you are my source and my guide and right now I need you to carry me through this. I cannot make this decision myself. If I would even try I would let my anger influence my decision and I cannot do that. Heal this hurt in myself and in my children and Lord I pray for their dad. Allow him to see that being a father never stops and that being a father means you support you children in every way. Help him to remember that being physically there doesn’t mean squat if you are gone emotionally. Just be with my family Lord as we go through all of this. I pray that everything will be done in your time Lord and that I will have the patience to wait on you.

I also pray Lord that you either heal the relationship between my children and their dad or bring them a man that will be the godly father and husband (I know I have said that I have no desire to get married again but who am I kidding?)

In you most holy name I pray,

Amen.

What our words mean.

I wrote a short sentence on my Facebook status that refused to leave my head and as a result this blog was demanding to be written. I wrote that I wonder why people feel it is necessary to talk about other people? What ever happened to privacy?

I have been very open and upfront about the fact that I am in the middle of a divorce. Yes the divorce was my choice. I am the one that left the marriage and I am the one that filed for divorce. My soon to be ex does not want the divorce but is not “fighting me legally”on it.

What bothers me is why people seem to think that they should or that they have the right to talk about me and my situation. The only people who know the real story are me and my ex and therefore no one else should even feel the need to discuss it.

I had somebody come up to me today and ask if it was true that I was dating again. I had to answer yes because even though I’m not currently dating anyone right now I was dating somebody two months ago yet it didn’t work out between us. I did not leave my ex for this man in fact I didn’t even met him until I had already left the marriage. He didn’t ask me out until I had told my ex that I wanted a divorce.

While yes this happened why is it anyone’s business? Why do people think that just because I am the pastors daughter of a small town that I don’t deserve any privacy? I never hid the relationship between myself and this man but neither did I flaunt it.

I have to admit that I have to watch my tongue. Yes it is fun to gossip but whoever you are talking about has feelings to. We should think more about that then what happened between so and so last night.

I know that as a youth leader I am held to a very high standard that some days I feel is just unreachable. I try very hard to live in such a way that I won’t cause one of my teenagers to stumble but it is so hard when I get blasted myself.

While yes I live my life for the Lord I cannot and will not live to please others. If I did that then I would be useless as a mother, a leader, a nurse and a friend. My life belongs to the Lord, He is just letting me use it.

If I’m wrong I will admit it but very rarely will I grovel and beg for forgiveness because quite frankly the only person whose forgiveness I crave I already have it before I ask for it. I don’t have a lot of regrets because the experiences that I have gone through have made me into the woman that I am.

It is so difficult in today’s society to stop the mindset that we are entitled to know EVERYTHING about everybody but we don’t. I am going to watch my tongue and my words and I encourage everyone else to.

Just remember how would YOU like it if someone talked about you the way that you talk about others? Something to think about.

Easter

Easter? Why do we celebrate Easter? Is it because of the candy? The new outfits? Easter has become so commercialized that we have forgotten the real meaning.

I admit I love buying new outfits for my self and my three children and seeing their faces as they find their baskets but am I doing them a disservice by doing this?

As I was busily cooking this morning for our breakfast at church I realized something. I had gotten so wrapped up in the outside trappings that I had forgotten why I was busily doing everything.

2000 years ago my Lord and Savior died a  horrific death for me. Jesus was born so that he could die for my sins at the age of 33. That is only three years older then I am right now. I cannot even fathom the depths of his love that he would take my punishment and die on the cross for me, a sinner not yet born.

The awesomeness of that sacrifice pales in comparison though to what happened that very first Easter morning. As His followers went to properly prepare his body they found that His tomb was empty. Many believed that His body had been stolen and yet they were wrong. He had risen from the dead! What a miracle! With that simple action of defeating death I have the assurance that I will live forever with him.

Satan has been defeated and Jesus reigns with His father forever in Heaven. As I rush through my day it is so easy to space out the fact that Jesus died and rose again for my sins so that I may live forever with Him in heaven. I am so blessed and so humbled by that amount of love and trust that He has.

As we reflect on this day remember that Jesus died so that we may live. He gave His life for us so how can we do any less? Jesus demands that we serve him with our whole hearts and lives. If He gave His life for me why is it so hard to give my life wholly to Him?

That is a question that I’m sure will take me a lifetime to figure out. All I can say is that I will try with everything that is in me to live my life the way He demands.

The Blame Game.

First off I am just venting and getting my feelings out there so most of this is to be read and not taken to seriously. OK that said I just have to know why in this world we feel the need to place blame on everybody.

I joke that I have three invisible children in my house named “Not Me” “I don’t Know” and “My Brother Did It” It’s funny but I even hear this in my own life. I have to admit I am not a perfect person. I am very jaded and look for hidden meanings and motives in everything. i have a very hard time thinking that people are nice to me with out wondering what they want in return even though I myself am not like that.

I am also a very selfish woman and I have a very hard time putting other people a head of myself. Even though I love my children and my teens my first though is usually of myself. I try not to be that way but hey I am only human and it is hard to suppress that part of my personality. What gets me so badly though is that everything that makes me me I an supposed to hide because I am a christian (which I am don’t get me wrong) or that I have to be nice all the time because that is what Jesus would want me to do.

Well news flash I am not Jesus and even though I try I am NEVER going to be as good as He was. It is not fair to hold me to those standards then get on my case because I fall or have a bad day. I am going to make mistakes and when I do I don’t need them thrown back in my face for the rest of my life.

I am growing as a person but sometime yes I just want to scream and yell and throw a temper tantrum. I can’t act like everything is okay and that nothing bothers me when sometimes I just want to scream with everything that I have in me. I have no outlet for anything because I constantly have to watch everything that I say and do. I don’t have anyone that I can just rant and rave to and get it all off my chest because if I am not at work then I am home with my kids or with my youth group and sometimes my kids and my teenagers are what I need to get away from.

Can’t talk to my friends at work because it has to stay out of work and I can’t go out because I can’t leave my kids and sometimes I just need to get away or I feel like I am going to explode! It builds and builds untill I just can’t contain my frustration anymore and I take it out on those I shouldn’t. I’m sure that there will be some that read this and get mad at me or don’t agree but I had to get it out. I am a very complex and deep person therfore I have very deep and complex emtions and yes there are times when not everyone is going to like me or like what I have to say. What I can say is let it be. Let me rant get it off my chest then I’ll be ok.

WHEW I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

I’m humbled

A few days ago I wrote about my wish for the Lord to use me. All I was doing was pouring my heart out so that I could move past what was weighing me down. What I didn’t expect was for the outpouring of love and support that I got.

Obviously I am not as alone as I was feeling that day. When I made the decsion to end my marriage i sometimes thought that my life was truly over. What I didn’t realize is that it is only just begininng. I have such a call on my life in regards to my ministry with teenagers that it is so easy to lose sight of who I actually am. For so many years I felt defined as Darren’s annoying little sister then I was the pastors daughter and then I was Gary’s wife. None of those showed who I was, and I am so much more than that.

I have discovered over the past seven months that I am a pretty cool person. I have friends that like me for who I am and not for what they think that I can do for them. I have a youth group filled with some of the most amazing teenagers that anyone will ever meet and for some crazy reason they think I am pretty awesome. (Not my words theirs). My children think that I am the best mom in the world. (which surprises me I thought I had screwed up pretty bad as their mom.) And most importantly I love absolutely LOVE who I am right now. I love the fact that I am a strong woman in my own right. I love that I have a strong faith in God that allows me to lead others. I love that I have turned some pretty awful and even horrific experiences into counseling tools. I am even pretty happy with the way that I look right now (except my hair. don’t think I will ever like that) which for me is huge considering the battles I have fought over the years with insecurity.

What humbles me most though is not that I feel this way but that others are glad that I am in their lives. No one wants to go through life alone and I am so glad that I’m not. For everyone that is in my life I thank God for that. Every single one of you has a purpose and I hope that each one can find exactly what that is. I thank each and every one of you for the way that you have touched my life and I hope and pray that your life is as blessed as mine is and that God touches you in the way that he has used you to touch mine. As I have said many times in youth group “You may be the only Jesus that some one sees.” What better way to show that then to show love the way that many of you have showed to me over the past seven months.

Lord Use Me!

Recently my life has been in turmoil. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of ten years and in the process have discovered things about others that I really don’t like.

I have found that some who for years have been encouraging me to leave a very volatile situation are now against the fact that I left. The double standard is hard. I can live with the glares and judgements but making me out to be the bad guy just because I was the one who left and doesn’t want to go back is unfair.

I have watched some get hurt because someone treated them badly by saying and doing all the right things then ending it because it didn’t go in the direction that a certain person wanted. I have watched teenagers flounder in what God’s will actually is for them. I have prayed and hit my knees begging for grace and yet the storms keep coming.

I have resolved to praise Him in good times and in bad. I have again decided that it isn’t MY will that matters it’s HIS. So many times I get into situations that if I had listened to that still small voice i wouldn’t have gotten into. I have resolved to give God everything that I have and trust that I will always make it through the valley as long as HE carries me. My world is changing and I can only make through with HIS help. So many times I have forgotten that or I have just told people that I do without really living it. It is only by God’s grace that I am even here on this world still and I have to realize that HE saved me for a purpose.

I know that I will not be alone in this endeavor but I also have to trust God to bring me my partner in life. For way to many years I looked for him on my own and all I have to show for that are two broken marriages, one failed engagement and countless failed relationships. I have resolved that if I am meant to be married again that it will be only with one that has been handpicked for me by the hand of God and that his calling will be the same as mine and that he will have a strong enough faith to lead me. I am a very strong woman and it will take a very special man to be my partner in life and in my ministry.

Lord I pray that you use me for the purpose of furthering your kingdom and that you make my life your own. Lord please keep my heart and mind pure and open for you to bring me the man that you have handpicked for me. I pray Lord that you will also keep him pure as we wait for your perfect time in bringing us together. In your most holy name Lord I pray, Amen