Here I am

At the end of July I became involved in a drama called Final Exit. I knew it was going to be fun and interesting but what I didn’t expect was for it to change my life.

I have never been quiet about that fact that I am a Christian. That is such a part of me that I couldn’t even begin to hide it. I will admit that there are times when my fire for God is an ember and other times it burns out of control but my faith has never wavered. I have always been outspoken about my love for Jesus Christ but there are times I speak in whisper.

After Final Exit I realized that I can’t be quiet anymore. My fire can’t be at an ember. Being a Christian is all or nothing. If you can’t tell I’m a Christian just by the way I act then I better change my life. I’m not saying that I’m deliberately living in sin but there is always sin lurking around the corner just waiting for me to fall.

Sin can be anything that you know in your heart is wrong. It could be the word you just said, or the joke that you laughed at. It could be the music you are listening to or even the clothes that you picked out to wear for the day. While yes we as humans are born into sin and have sinful natures shouldn’t our desire as Christians is to live such lives that people can’t help but notice there is something different? I have always been the type of girl who stands out (blending into the crowd is so boring) but why do I stand out?

Do I stand out because of the clothes I wear, the piercings and tattoos that I have or do I stand out because people can sense Christ in me? I think it’s a combination of all three but I pray that the main reason is that I radiate Christs love. My love for Jesus is so all-consuming that it needs to be the first thing that people notice about me. I can’t be concerned about what the world thinks about my faith.

Why worry about if I offend anyone? I can not expect to be treated any better than Christ himself was on this Earth. If I truly am sold out to Christ then His opinion should be the only one that matters. I have to live my life in a way that even in the confines of my house I am his. When it all comes down to my final exit I want the Lord to look at me and say “well done good and faithful servant”.

“Lord, my heart has always been yours. I gave it to you 14 years ago and I have never gotten it back, nor do I want it. I want my life to be a living breathing testimony for you. You have done so much for me and saved me from so many things that giving you my whole life in return is a small price to pay. What is waiting for me in Heaven is far greater than anything you can give me here on Earth.

You gave me my life. I am here ready and willing to give it all to you. I surrender everything I’ve got knowing that you will replace it with something even better than I could possibly imagine. What you choose to do with my life is up to you not me. Use me my father for your will not mine. Guide me in your truth and teach me everyday what it truly means to be your child.

All you have ever asked for is for people to love and serve you. Well here I am, take me and make me yours forever.”

This is a challenge for everyone. Stand up and say “here I am Lord! I’m yours”. I’ve done it, will you?

What’s love got to do with it?

This past weekend the nation celebrated Valentines Day. I must admit this is not a holiday that I acknowledge let alone celebrate. To me it is a meaningless day that has become very commercialized. Why should there be just one day to acknowledge that you love someone and after what I have gone through this past year love is nothing more than a four-letter word.

That was my feeling going into Sunday. My youth group had sponsored a dance the night before (like we always do) and there was an incident that I had to  deal with. I was so angry at the situation as it shouldn’t have even happened that Sunday at youth group I was prepared to yell and lecture over how they should have acted. God had a different plan.

That morning I got into a fight with my ex and it just took a bad day and made it even worse. I was so hurt and disappointed that I actually threw my phone five times, and to those who know me y’all know that my phone is my lifeline. I was driving and I’m sure that my passengers were a little nervous being in the car with me while I was in that volatile mood. As I was driving and talking to my friend that was with me God really dealt with me and my sorry stinky attitude. I got to the church in a very different mood.

I stood in front of my youth group and I allowed God to flow and to move. My entire lesson changed in an instant. I began to talk about love and what love really meant. So many times love is not understood in today’s society. We have turned love into a fleeting mess and not anything that lasts.

So what is love? Websters dictionary says love is a powerful emotion felt for another person manifesting itself in deep affection, devotion or sexual desire. So what are the powerful emotions? To me when I love someone, that person is capable of affecting my deepest and strongest emotions. Nobody can make me angrier or make me happier. Ironically when I am mad at that person he is the only one that can cheer me up.  But really what is love?

Do we just say the words or do we back it up with actions? It isn’t enough for us to just say that we love someone we actually have to show it. Love in and of itself requires action. Actions that prove what our words are saying. As Christians we should be the ones showing the most love. Like I told my teenagers just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you have to like them. There are quite a few people who I really can’t stand and don’t even want to be around but I do love them. There are times that I don’t like my children very much but I always love them. I’m sure there are times when people don’t like me very much.

As I talked on Sunday one of the young men in attendance made a statement that summed up everything that I was trying to say. He said that love is nothing but a four-letter word that is meaningless unless you show it. Then he stated that true love was Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and since he loved us enough to die for us then how can we do anything less than live for him.

Normally this statement wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that the young man who said this is not a believer. He has been coming to youth group but has made no secret of the fact that he does not believe in Jesus Christ. When I heard him say I was struck speechless. (which is very hard to do. In fact this young man is probably the only person that can.) God had taken my inadequate words and used them through this man.

But what he said was true. Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. As I struggled through Valentines day I remembered that Jesus gave me the greatest Valentine ever. John 3:16. “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son. That whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” God love ME so much that he sent Jesus Christ to die for my sins so that I may live forever with him.

If that isn’t love people then I am clueless as to what is.

Respect.

Over the past few months I have taught my teenagers about living in the Lord. I have taught about living in truth, love, faith and as a family. What I have been lax in teaching about is respect.

I haven’t really focused on it because honestly I didn’t feel that it was my place. Children should learn respect from their parents. It should be given and received. Parents should respect their children and in return children should respect their parents. Disrespect is something that should never be tolerated. Unfortunately disrespect is something that is seen everyday.

I see children disrespecting their parents, teachers, friends, even the ones that they are dating. What is so sad is that many kids don’t even know that they are being disrespectful. Many times it’s brushed aside as “I was just kidding” or “No offense” and what sometimes isn’t realized that there is a little truth to “just kidding” and when someone says “no offense” it is usually something that should be taken  offense to.

When kids mock their parents they think they are being funny. I should know I did the same to my parents and it wasn’t until I became a parent myself did I realize how disrespectful I actually was. I listen to my kids and my teenagers and I wonder. Would they like it if they were being talked about in the same way that they talk about their teachers? Would they like it if their children (when they have them) talk about and treat them the way that they treat their parents?

Sometimes though a child has a hard time giving respect when it isn’t given to them. If a father does nothing but yell and curse and call his child names then how can that child respect his or her father? If a mother is more concerned with her own self and ignores the basic needs of her child then how can she demand that she is given respect in return?

As parents it falls on us to teach our children about respect and the only way they learn is if they see us respecting others and them. If I respect my children then they will respect me. Where I struggle is with their father. I don’t have a lot of respect for him but I cannot show that to my children. If my kids hear me talking bad about their father or not respecting what he says then they won’t respect him. The only way that my children are going to learn respect is if they see it shown in their life.

Respect is something that can be learned but it is hard to teach. It isn’t something that you can only talk about. In order for it to be learned it has to be shown. Being respectful is something that everyone should strive to be. We shouldn’t be surprised or shocked when we are shown respect. We shouldn’t have to say thank you when we are given respect it should be given naturally.

The key point is though if you want respect then you have to give respect. Not only do you have to give respect in order to have it in return you have to respect yourself. If you don’t respect your self it is very hard to give others respect and it is even harder to get that respect given to you.

One thing that I have learned is that if I want to be respected then I better give respect. If I want my teenagers to respect what I am trying to teach them then I better respect them and what they have to say. If I want respect at work then I better respect my coworkers and my boss. If I want my children to respect me then I better treat them with respect. I better be willing to listen and not brush them aside. My children also need to see me respecting my own parents. I live in their house and I do need to follow their rules. My children won’t respect them if I don’t. Most importantly I need to respect my self. I need to treat myself with respect. I need to take care of myself and I need to treat myself as though I am worth all the respect in the world.

I really do believe that if we all do that then things will change. If we treat ourselves and others the way that we want to be treated then and only then will we see things they way that they should be.

My Prayer

When 2009 ended I was probably at my lowest point. I had survived the end of my marriage, watched a relationship that I truly wanted crash and burn, and had just had life changing surgery. I honestly did not know how my life could get any worse.

Back in August I had listened to a song called “City on Our Knees” by TobyMac. Such a simple yet one of the most powerful songs that I have heard in years.  As 2009 drew to a close I again listened to the words and I decided that this song would be my theme song this year. I talked with my youth group and we agreed that we as a group would live by this song this year also.

What struck me the most about this song was the first line. ‘If you gotta start somewhere why not here”. I have wanted God to move and bless his ministry that he has allowed me to lead. The thing is though if I want God to move I have to be willing to let him. I have to be willing to cross that line and step out of my comfort zone.

I can’t witness if I refuse to open my mouth. I can’t tell others what God has done for me if I am unwilling to claim his mercy. I can’t reach out to those that need him if I have already written them off. Just the other day God impressed upon me that I have no say in who is beyond God’s reach. I can’t say that it’s useless to pray for someone when only God can decide when someone is to far gone. If God puts someone in my life to witness to and to pray for them who am I to toss that person back?

What gives me or any other christian the right to decide who can come to Christ? Why do we feel that we can choose who needs his mercy? Why have we as Christians forgotten that only by the grace of God we are no longer just as damned? No matter what someone else has done everyone is just is guilty. Sin is sin no matter if we actually do it or not. God is so absolute that the THOUGHTS are just as bad as the actions.

I can’t decide who is a bigger sinner. That isn’t what we as Christians are here for. The only thing that makes me any different then the unsaved is the fact that I have accepted the free gift of salvation. I have been forgiven. If God is so merciful that he can save me then isn’t the least I can do to tell others about him?

My prayer for 2010 is not just for The R.O.C.K. youth group or Connection Ministries but of anyone that believes in the Lord. Be willing to step across that line . Be willing to let God place you where he wants you to. Be willing to allow God to lead your life. If you gotta start somewhere why not here? Make the change in 2010 that God demands of us to make. Let God truly be the author of your life. Be bold, be strong and watch God move in ways that you can never imagine.

As bad as 2009 was for me I know that 2010 will be all that much better. This year is GOD’S time and my life is his to do what he will. When God gave us the gift of salvation and eternal life letting him have our small earthly life is the only option.

When Gods people come together amazing things happen. I am willing to let it start with me, will you?

Living in the Lord.

It has been months since I last posted a blog due to a heavy work schedule and upheaval in my life. Since the last time I wrote my divorce became final and the tension between my ex husband and I has been rough. Over the past few weeks at youth group I have been talking about living your life for the Lord. Due to what has been happening in my own life its been a rough road to take and to teach about.

For me living my life in the Lord means so many things. It isn’t about a religion. It’s my faith, it’s my lifestyle, it’s a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It means that in everything that I do I do to bring glory and honor to him. I tell my teenagers all the time that when we sin and do something wrong that we make Jesus do that also. That is such a sobering thought.

Simply stating that we believe in Jesus isn’t enough. We have to live wholly and truly for him. It’s isn’t easy. Sin is always around just waiting to tempt us with things that we desire. I am single right now (by choice) and the lack of physical companionship is tough but how can I tell my teens and my own children to abstain if I myself am not willing to? How can I tell young girls that they are worth so much more than a quick roll in the hay if I lower my standards and give in?

I must admit there are days when the loneliness threatens to consume me. I want an adult to talk to, I would love to have somebody that I can just hang out with, but I can not and will not put myself in a situation where I won’t be respected and where my faith in Jesus won’t be. Waiting on God’s time to bring me His chosen partner is hard.

I must admit I have a hard time watching my tongue. I have a very sharp wit and I can insult so well that you don’t feel the sting right away, but is that how Jesus would want me to use my wit? I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and there are times where my sarcasm comes off as being rude. If I know this then why is it so hard for me to stop? Wouldn’t it be better to use that for other reasons?

What I have discovered and I absolutely love this about teaching teens is that I am growing in Christ right along with them. My faith in the Lord has gotten so much deeper and stronger and yet I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of how deeply I can believe in Him.

When I was younger I hated my name. I thought that my first name was boring and that my middle name was old-fashioned. Not only that my first name means truthful and I wasn’t always the most truthful person growing up. As I have gotten older I love having to live up to my first name but it’s my middle name that I will be forever grateful to my parents for giving me. My middle name is Faith.

Such a small word but such a huge meaning. I proudly wear my middle name on a ring to remind me everyday to live and to show my faith to the world. As I live, learn, laugh and love I will strive to live for Him.

Will you?

Understanding and Compassion: Where did they go?

Yesterday was an awesome day at my church. We are a small church in the Midwest that like many small rural churches seemed destined to die just a few short years ago. God has been faithful and blessed us and yesterday we saw so many in attendance that we ran out of seats. While this was amazing something happened yesterday that rocked me to my very core.

As the youth leader I have tried to teach the teens that attend the importance of watching our words and how what we say can be a more hurtful weapon then anything. We had a young man in attendance who by his very admission was an atheist. He has come to youth group before but yesterday was the first time he had come to church. He is willing o listen and to give God a chance due to the change he has seen in a young woman that he considers to be his younger sister.

A fellow member of the youth group through a series of text messages attacked this young woman calling her rude and obscene names due to something that he thought he had seen. Instead of confronting her this teenager brought others into the problem and caused great hurt to this young lady.

I went over to talk with her and her friend hoping that I could stem some of the hurt and damage done. I asked the young man who had just started coming if this was going to stop him from coming to church. He looked at me and said that if that other young man had been the only Christian that he had met then yes it would have as his judgemental attitude only reaffirmed what he had always believed Christians to be.

I asked him why he was willing to give us another chance and he said that the change he has seen in his friend and that I cared enough to come out to his house to talk to her really made him think.  I was very humbled by this as all I had done was care.

I realized then that to many times we as Christians have forgotten that it is NOT our place to judge others. God is God for a reason. I am so imperfect myself how can I judge others? How can any of us? Not a one of us are perfect enough to even begin to make judgments and yet we do it all the time.

Jesus commands us to love as He loved and yet if we don’t have compassion the how can we? One thing that was brought up was the fact that we as Christians typecast and judge based on appearances. This young man walked into church with tattoos, pierced ears (not that I have a problem with that all three of my boys have them pierced) and ripped jeans. He looks like a bad guy. Yet as I talked to him and started getting to know him I realized he is a very sweet kid who has a servants heart. If all I had seen was his exterior then I wouldn’t have known that.

If we are going to bring people to the Lord then we MUST have compassion and understanding. We need to get rid of our judgemental attitudes and let God work in others. If we live as Jesus did then we wont have this problem. Jesus didn’t come for the healthy and rightous He came for the sick and unholy.

What I do know is that I am one of those unholy that needs him. If Jesus can love a sinner like me then who am I to choose who He can and cannot love? If I am Christ’s body on earth am I reaching out with His hands to hold or hurt? I tell my teenagers all the time that they may be the only Jesus that someone sees so if that is true and we are then what kind of Jesus are you showing the world?

I want to show the Jesus that I know so if I want others to see His love then I better love. I will strive to show the understanding and compassionate Jesus that I know and love, will you?

What our words mean.

I wrote a short sentence on my Facebook status that refused to leave my head and as a result this blog was demanding to be written. I wrote that I wonder why people feel it is necessary to talk about other people? What ever happened to privacy?

I have been very open and upfront about the fact that I am in the middle of a divorce. Yes the divorce was my choice. I am the one that left the marriage and I am the one that filed for divorce. My soon to be ex does not want the divorce but is not “fighting me legally”on it.

What bothers me is why people seem to think that they should or that they have the right to talk about me and my situation. The only people who know the real story are me and my ex and therefore no one else should even feel the need to discuss it.

I had somebody come up to me today and ask if it was true that I was dating again. I had to answer yes because even though I’m not currently dating anyone right now I was dating somebody two months ago yet it didn’t work out between us. I did not leave my ex for this man in fact I didn’t even met him until I had already left the marriage. He didn’t ask me out until I had told my ex that I wanted a divorce.

While yes this happened why is it anyone’s business? Why do people think that just because I am the pastors daughter of a small town that I don’t deserve any privacy? I never hid the relationship between myself and this man but neither did I flaunt it.

I have to admit that I have to watch my tongue. Yes it is fun to gossip but whoever you are talking about has feelings to. We should think more about that then what happened between so and so last night.

I know that as a youth leader I am held to a very high standard that some days I feel is just unreachable. I try very hard to live in such a way that I won’t cause one of my teenagers to stumble but it is so hard when I get blasted myself.

While yes I live my life for the Lord I cannot and will not live to please others. If I did that then I would be useless as a mother, a leader, a nurse and a friend. My life belongs to the Lord, He is just letting me use it.

If I’m wrong I will admit it but very rarely will I grovel and beg for forgiveness because quite frankly the only person whose forgiveness I crave I already have it before I ask for it. I don’t have a lot of regrets because the experiences that I have gone through have made me into the woman that I am.

It is so difficult in today’s society to stop the mindset that we are entitled to know EVERYTHING about everybody but we don’t. I am going to watch my tongue and my words and I encourage everyone else to.

Just remember how would YOU like it if someone talked about you the way that you talk about others? Something to think about.

Easter

Easter? Why do we celebrate Easter? Is it because of the candy? The new outfits? Easter has become so commercialized that we have forgotten the real meaning.

I admit I love buying new outfits for my self and my three children and seeing their faces as they find their baskets but am I doing them a disservice by doing this?

As I was busily cooking this morning for our breakfast at church I realized something. I had gotten so wrapped up in the outside trappings that I had forgotten why I was busily doing everything.

2000 years ago my Lord and Savior died a  horrific death for me. Jesus was born so that he could die for my sins at the age of 33. That is only three years older then I am right now. I cannot even fathom the depths of his love that he would take my punishment and die on the cross for me, a sinner not yet born.

The awesomeness of that sacrifice pales in comparison though to what happened that very first Easter morning. As His followers went to properly prepare his body they found that His tomb was empty. Many believed that His body had been stolen and yet they were wrong. He had risen from the dead! What a miracle! With that simple action of defeating death I have the assurance that I will live forever with him.

Satan has been defeated and Jesus reigns with His father forever in Heaven. As I rush through my day it is so easy to space out the fact that Jesus died and rose again for my sins so that I may live forever with Him in heaven. I am so blessed and so humbled by that amount of love and trust that He has.

As we reflect on this day remember that Jesus died so that we may live. He gave His life for us so how can we do any less? Jesus demands that we serve him with our whole hearts and lives. If He gave His life for me why is it so hard to give my life wholly to Him?

That is a question that I’m sure will take me a lifetime to figure out. All I can say is that I will try with everything that is in me to live my life the way He demands.

I’m humbled

A few days ago I wrote about my wish for the Lord to use me. All I was doing was pouring my heart out so that I could move past what was weighing me down. What I didn’t expect was for the outpouring of love and support that I got.

Obviously I am not as alone as I was feeling that day. When I made the decsion to end my marriage i sometimes thought that my life was truly over. What I didn’t realize is that it is only just begininng. I have such a call on my life in regards to my ministry with teenagers that it is so easy to lose sight of who I actually am. For so many years I felt defined as Darren’s annoying little sister then I was the pastors daughter and then I was Gary’s wife. None of those showed who I was, and I am so much more than that.

I have discovered over the past seven months that I am a pretty cool person. I have friends that like me for who I am and not for what they think that I can do for them. I have a youth group filled with some of the most amazing teenagers that anyone will ever meet and for some crazy reason they think I am pretty awesome. (Not my words theirs). My children think that I am the best mom in the world. (which surprises me I thought I had screwed up pretty bad as their mom.) And most importantly I love absolutely LOVE who I am right now. I love the fact that I am a strong woman in my own right. I love that I have a strong faith in God that allows me to lead others. I love that I have turned some pretty awful and even horrific experiences into counseling tools. I am even pretty happy with the way that I look right now (except my hair. don’t think I will ever like that) which for me is huge considering the battles I have fought over the years with insecurity.

What humbles me most though is not that I feel this way but that others are glad that I am in their lives. No one wants to go through life alone and I am so glad that I’m not. For everyone that is in my life I thank God for that. Every single one of you has a purpose and I hope that each one can find exactly what that is. I thank each and every one of you for the way that you have touched my life and I hope and pray that your life is as blessed as mine is and that God touches you in the way that he has used you to touch mine. As I have said many times in youth group “You may be the only Jesus that some one sees.” What better way to show that then to show love the way that many of you have showed to me over the past seven months.

Lord Use Me!

Recently my life has been in turmoil. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of ten years and in the process have discovered things about others that I really don’t like.

I have found that some who for years have been encouraging me to leave a very volatile situation are now against the fact that I left. The double standard is hard. I can live with the glares and judgements but making me out to be the bad guy just because I was the one who left and doesn’t want to go back is unfair.

I have watched some get hurt because someone treated them badly by saying and doing all the right things then ending it because it didn’t go in the direction that a certain person wanted. I have watched teenagers flounder in what God’s will actually is for them. I have prayed and hit my knees begging for grace and yet the storms keep coming.

I have resolved to praise Him in good times and in bad. I have again decided that it isn’t MY will that matters it’s HIS. So many times I get into situations that if I had listened to that still small voice i wouldn’t have gotten into. I have resolved to give God everything that I have and trust that I will always make it through the valley as long as HE carries me. My world is changing and I can only make through with HIS help. So many times I have forgotten that or I have just told people that I do without really living it. It is only by God’s grace that I am even here on this world still and I have to realize that HE saved me for a purpose.

I know that I will not be alone in this endeavor but I also have to trust God to bring me my partner in life. For way to many years I looked for him on my own and all I have to show for that are two broken marriages, one failed engagement and countless failed relationships. I have resolved that if I am meant to be married again that it will be only with one that has been handpicked for me by the hand of God and that his calling will be the same as mine and that he will have a strong enough faith to lead me. I am a very strong woman and it will take a very special man to be my partner in life and in my ministry.

Lord I pray that you use me for the purpose of furthering your kingdom and that you make my life your own. Lord please keep my heart and mind pure and open for you to bring me the man that you have handpicked for me. I pray Lord that you will also keep him pure as we wait for your perfect time in bringing us together. In your most holy name Lord I pray, Amen