My Life

I was lying in bed last night and my past kept running through my mind. I was amazed at how far I’ve come and how much God has actually saved me from. I was born and raised in a Christian home (in fact my dad is a pastor) and I learned from an early age that being a Christian was what I was supposed to do in my life. When I was younger I didn’t think too much about it but as I got older my heart became hard.

I became very good at talking the talk but very few people actually knew I wasn’t walking with the Lord. In fact I think only myself and the Lord knew although my parents may have suspected that I didn’t fully believe in the Lord. Inside I was laughing scornfully at the Christians that attended my dad’s church. I went to camp and convention only to get away from my parents and because there were always cute guys that went to camp and convention.

I would raise my hands and I would sing but it meant nothing to me. This pattern continued in my life even after I got married. While we were around my parents we played the part of a happily married Christian couple. That changed when we moved. The minute that we were on our own our true sinful selves came out. My ex-husband started drinking again and dragged me into the party scene right along with him. I quickly learned what the drug and alcohol world was all about. The fact that I was able to walk away from that with the help of my sister was nothing short of a miracle. How I was able to escape without being addicted to the drugs and the alcohol  that I was involved in I will never know.

My sister helped me leave that toxic marriage after it became clear that my life was in danger. During the two years we were married my ex abused me so cruelly that I still bear the emotional and some physical scars from his abuse. I learned very quickly how to duck as plates came flying at my head and how to defend myself from hammers being used to hit me with. God saved my life even though I didn’t believe in him.

I left my abusive ex-husband and he filed for divorce. While I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized I discovered I was pregnant with another man’s child. I was young, only 18 and I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby. I remember sitting in my room seriously contemplating how much better my life would be if I just had an abortion. No one would have to even know that I was pregnant and I could actually get on with my life. It wasn’t until I heard the heartbeat of my now 13-year-old son for the first time that I realized it was a baby inside and there was no way I could get rid of it. Again God took my sinful state and gave me one of the greatest blessings ever when He gave me my son.

During my pregnancy I realized that even if I didn’t keep my baby there was no way I could continue to live my life the way I was going. I called my dad and asked him to pray with me. I gave my life to the Lord for the first time in July of 1997 and I have never looked back. When my son was born in December of that year and placed in my arms I knew I could never give him up, and decided to raise him.

However I was still a young unwed mom and I prayed for God to send me a dad for my son. When my son was 8 months old I met what seemed to be God’s answer to my prayers. I was still young though so I didn’t fully take the time to think, pray and wait before I jumped into a relationship. A mere six months after we met we were married. Things were great for a while until I became pregnant with my second child. When we discovered that it was a boy my husband’s relationship with my oldest son (whom he had adopted) changed. My son suddenly could do nothing right even at the age of 2. That was when the verbal abuse started on my son and when I was 7 months pregnant I was pushed into the coffee table so hard that I broke it. I should have left then but I didn’t.

I thought I was doing the right thing and I stayed in a marriage that just continued to become a verbal battlefield. There were few happy times and when my husband did talk to me and our oldest son it was to tell us everything that we were doing wrong. Finally after 9 1/2 years and another son later I gathered my courage and my children and I left. The sad thing was that it took my ex-husband FOUR days to realize that my children and I had moved out.

Through all of this my faith in God took a beating as my ex was not an active believer. He went to church but I don’t think he meant it. ( in fact I still don’t know if he does although I pray daily that he will come to know the Lord). When God healed me of asthma I knew that I had to give my life back to him. I’ll admit it I’m not perfect and I do stumble and sin but I always get back up and go running straight back to my Lord and Savior.

God has been so amazing to me throughout my life and I can’t wait to see what else he has in store for me. I’m not gonna lie, I really hope and pray that His plan includes a godly husband but even if it doesn’t I will still serve him with everything I’ve got. I will take what I have been through and I will use that to help others. I’ll be upfront and open about my past if it means that someone else will see that God can and will forgive anyone if they just ask. I will testify to his love and mercy everyday of my life.

My life is not my own anymore, it belongs to Jesus Christ. He is just letting me use it to bring him glory. Even before I trusted and believed him he saved me when he didn’t have to. God is a God of second chances and I’d be a fool to let mine go. I thank God every day for what he has done and is doing in my life. I am proud to say I am a Christian now and while I am very good at talking the talk I am even better at walking the walk.

Here I am

At the end of July I became involved in a drama called Final Exit. I knew it was going to be fun and interesting but what I didn’t expect was for it to change my life.

I have never been quiet about that fact that I am a Christian. That is such a part of me that I couldn’t even begin to hide it. I will admit that there are times when my fire for God is an ember and other times it burns out of control but my faith has never wavered. I have always been outspoken about my love for Jesus Christ but there are times I speak in whisper.

After Final Exit I realized that I can’t be quiet anymore. My fire can’t be at an ember. Being a Christian is all or nothing. If you can’t tell I’m a Christian just by the way I act then I better change my life. I’m not saying that I’m deliberately living in sin but there is always sin lurking around the corner just waiting for me to fall.

Sin can be anything that you know in your heart is wrong. It could be the word you just said, or the joke that you laughed at. It could be the music you are listening to or even the clothes that you picked out to wear for the day. While yes we as humans are born into sin and have sinful natures shouldn’t our desire as Christians is to live such lives that people can’t help but notice there is something different? I have always been the type of girl who stands out (blending into the crowd is so boring) but why do I stand out?

Do I stand out because of the clothes I wear, the piercings and tattoos that I have or do I stand out because people can sense Christ in me? I think it’s a combination of all three but I pray that the main reason is that I radiate Christs love. My love for Jesus is so all-consuming that it needs to be the first thing that people notice about me. I can’t be concerned about what the world thinks about my faith.

Why worry about if I offend anyone? I can not expect to be treated any better than Christ himself was on this Earth. If I truly am sold out to Christ then His opinion should be the only one that matters. I have to live my life in a way that even in the confines of my house I am his. When it all comes down to my final exit I want the Lord to look at me and say “well done good and faithful servant”.

“Lord, my heart has always been yours. I gave it to you 14 years ago and I have never gotten it back, nor do I want it. I want my life to be a living breathing testimony for you. You have done so much for me and saved me from so many things that giving you my whole life in return is a small price to pay. What is waiting for me in Heaven is far greater than anything you can give me here on Earth.

You gave me my life. I am here ready and willing to give it all to you. I surrender everything I’ve got knowing that you will replace it with something even better than I could possibly imagine. What you choose to do with my life is up to you not me. Use me my father for your will not mine. Guide me in your truth and teach me everyday what it truly means to be your child.

All you have ever asked for is for people to love and serve you. Well here I am, take me and make me yours forever.”

This is a challenge for everyone. Stand up and say “here I am Lord! I’m yours”. I’ve done it, will you?