Why?

Why?
Such a small word but one that holds such a large idea. How many times do we use the word why? Well if you are my nine year old, you use it constantly. For others? Not so much. We use the word to question our reality. Either to wonder or complain. For me? I’m crying it out.

Why? Why do I feel like my life is one step forward and thirty steps back? Why does it seem like all my dreams are just out of reach? Why does it seem like I’m constantly climbing uphill with no end in sight? Why are there days when it feels like the whole universe is against me?

Most of these problems lie in my own mind. There isn’t anyone keeping me from things or making me unhappy but me. No one else has control over my life but me. I’m my own worst enemy but I haven’t quite figured out how to stop it. If I know that then why is it so hard to break those chains in my mind? Why can’t I just flip the switch and just be happy all the time? Why can’t it be easy?

It has to start with my mindset. And it has to start from the beginning. Wake up each day with a smile even if I don’t feel like smiling. Find the little things that make me laugh even when it feels like the world is crumbling beneath my feet. Go throughout the day with a song in my heart even when I feel like being silent. Make a conscious decision to overcome the battles in my own mind.

Life isn’t easy and it never will be. There are always going to be days when you feel like you are on top of the world and then there are days where you feel like you have to look up to see rock bottom. Life will knock you down. The question is, how long do you stay down. Do you immediately get back up, brush yourself off and continue? Or do you stay down so that the next time stuff comes at you, you don’t have far to fall?

We all know that the best answer is to get back up and keep going but that’s not the easy way. So many times I know I just get tired of fighting and I just want to stay down, lick my wounds and hide in a corner some where. I just want to cry and have my own pity party. But really what earthly good will that do? Does it really help me to stay down? No it doesn’t. The best thing I can do is stand, dry my tears and let go.

Let go of what’s holding me back. Let go of what’s trying to drag me under. Let go of things that aren’t right for me. Let go of the worlds negative opinion and focus on my positives. Don’t let myself be defined by an imperfect world who can’t see what I was made for. Don’t let the worlds idea of who I should be make me into what I shouldn’t be.

I need to remember that I was created for one purpose and one purpose only. I was created to worship my God. My whole life is meant to bring him glory and can I really bring him glory when I’m dwelling on the unfairness of my life? Am I bringing him glory when I berate myself and feel like I’ve fallen short of the worlds expectations? Am I bringing him glory when I put myself in bad situations? Am I bringing him glory when I look at myself in disdain and proclaim how much I hate myself? Am I really bringing him glory everyday? Am I bringing him glory when I allow the little insignificant things in life to annoy me and color my entire mood? No I’m not.

Is my life unfair? Sometimes it is. Other times it’s because I need to wait and let God take control. Should I berate myself when I’ve fallen short of the worlds expectations? No because the world doesn’t matter. When I feel like I hate myself I need to remember that God loves me. He doesn’t care that I’m forty pounds overweight. He doesn’t care if I’m wearing makeup or not. God doesn’t care about my outward appearance. God cares about my heart. He cares about the me on the inside. I need to find the joy in that. I need to learn how to let the little things go. Who cares if my kids left a mess? Rejoice in the fact that my kids are still home to make a mess. So what if I have a million piles of laundry to do? That just means that I have a large family. So I have to make dinner again? That just means I have enough food to feed my family. So my alarm went off at 4:30 am? Thank God I have a job to go too. So my residents are getting on my last nerve demanding their pain pills and things? That resident is still alive and able to make their wishes known.

If I look at the bright side of everything then the shadows don’t seem as bad. They don’t seem as dark. And the why’s don’t seem as many.

Outta my hands & outta my head

For the last six years ( since my divorce happened) I’ve prayed for God to bring me someone. I’ve dated a few people, been in a relationship with one (albeit twice) but yet I remain single. I remain alone. Partly because I’m picky and partly because I’ve been hurt and I find it hard to trust. I find it hard to give my heart away. But the desire to find the one is still there. In fact it’s my deepest hearts desire. But herein lies my problem, I am starting to doubt that there really is someone out there for me, and I question why.

Why am I still single? Why don’t men want to get to know me? Do I put off an “I’m not interested” vibe? Is it the fact that I come with a lot of baggage? Or is it plain and simple that I’m meant to be alone? I don’t know. The thing is I’m not stupid and I know when guys find me attractive. I’m not going to be coy and bashful and pretend I’m not beautiful because I know I am. But that’s as far as it goes. Now I’ll admit there have been a few times men have made a move and I’ve said no but that’s because I wasn’t attracted. I know I’m picky, trust me I know! But don’t I have the right to be picky?

I know what I like and I know what I want. Why should I lower my standards just to be with someone? I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let go of anything I’m looking for just to have a relationship. I’m only hurting myself if I do, and I’m not being fair to whomever if that’s what I do. I can’t go into anything less then whole hearted and if I go into a relationship with my standards lowered then I didn’t go into it with my whole heart.

I also have to take a good hard look at what I need in a husband. My wish list of what I want and what I need makes for someone pretty rare and special. In fact if I didn’t know that I serve a God that specializes in the impossible I would say that it’s impossible for one man to be the perfect fit for me. Is there someone out there who is edgy as me, while believing like me? Even one who has a stronger faith? I don’t know. Is there someone who will not only be okay with my children but will willingly jump in and help me raise them? I don’t know. Is there someone who will be okay with the fact that I have started to take responsibility for my parents as they grow older? I don’t know. Is there someone who will be just as happy sitting by a campfire but still be willing to tear up a dance floor with me? I don’t know.

I don’t know if I’ll ever know and right now I’m okay. It doesn’t take away the desire or the loneliness but I’m okay. I have to let it go. I have to let God take it out of my hands and put it out of my head. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t let it consume me. Realize that if that guy really does exists then I’m what he is looking for. Maybe I’ve already met him or maybe not. I don’t know anymore.

What I do know is that if he’s out there and looking for me then I’m worth it.

Where does my heart go from here?

Recently I downloaded an app on my phone called Timehop. It goes back through your Facebook and shows you what you posted exactly a year ago, two years going through your entire Facebook history. It’s interesting because I’m finding the things I posted a year ago are relevant today even though I feel a million years older then that girl. I’ve been through so much this year that I wonder how on earth can I be going through the same hardships?

I’m still a struggling single mother trying to make ends meet (and to be honest they don’t). I’m still trying to raise three very stubborn children. I’m still fighting to teach them Christian values in a world the laughs at such things. On top of all that this year I am dealing with a broken and bleeding heart.

I recently came out of a relationship that seemed to be serious. We had begun combining our families and discussed marriage. We had professed to love each other and looked forward to the day when we could truly have a life together. Sadly that didn’t happen. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but we did not last. Our relationship came to a screeching halt and imploded. And I honestly don’t know why.

What I do know is that it’s neither of our faults and yet it’s both. We didn’t talk to each other about our fears and in doing so we broke each other’s hearts. I can’t speak for him but for me there are days when it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. Every heartbeat and every breath bears his name. Everything reminds me of him and our time together. I wonder how I can even begin to heal.

My Facebook is loaded with ads for “single parent meet” “Christian mingle” “match.com” all sorts of places to meet the right one! Ads to lose weight so that guys can’t help but fall at my feet, as though it’s my weight that is causing me to be single. Ads for diamond rings, wedding dresses and honeymoon sites. I’m inundated with images that it’s somehow wrong to be single and that if I would just start another relationship I’ll finally be happy. If I meet the “right” one then he will heal my heart. If he holds me tight enough all the shattered pieces of my heart will be put back together. If I meet the right guy then he will be the one to make me forget about him and our time together. I just need to suck it up and move on right? Just date, get out there and meet new people. Have more experience and then you won’t get hurt so bad and won’t be so naive.

Well guess what? No guy is going to heal my broken heart. No guy is going to be able to hold me tight enough that I get put back together. No guy is going to complete my life just by being the “right” one. There is no single guy in this world that has that kind of power and I shouldn’t expect it. I’ll just be disappointed. And honestly I should be healed before I even THINK of looking for someone to date. I should be put back together before I even attempt to be out there again. My life should be complete without a guy and that when I do meet someone it’s two complete lives joining together to make one.

So how do I do that? If no guy can heal me then how do I even begin to put the broken pieces of my heart back together? How do I rebuild a shattered life? How do I pick up the pieces of a dream that was stomped on and learn to dream them again? I only know of one way. I run to God.

My relationship with God can heal my broken heart. My love for Him can take the broken pieces of my life and put them back together in a way that I am better then before. God can hold me so tight that I am whole. God can and will complete my life. I have to get lost in him and trust that he has a purpose and a plan that is far better then mine. And yes I still believe that he has someone out there for me.

Does it make the pain go away? No, but it will. Because here is the thing. God can’t turn me into the precious jewel that he has intended for me to be without a lot of heat and pressure to burn away the imperfections that dull His glory. He can’t mold me into what He wants without chipping away at the excess. I cannot become the perfection that He intends without Him removing the blemishes that hide me. I can’t shine when the world dulls me down. Pain and hurt is Gods way of removing the things that keep us from His vision. It’s also a way to learn. And if I have to go through something a second time then I obviously didn’t learn anything the first time.

My heart will heal. I know this. I also know that when God makes a promise he will see it through in His time. I also know that I can’t force the issue. I cannot jump ahead of God. If I do it won’t work.

I’m very specific in what I want in a husband and I’m not willing to settle for anything less then a husband. The thing is though I don’t want to go through a million dates and meaningless conversation before I find him. I don’t want to have to try and impress guys before I find one. I’ve never been one for the dating scene. It bores me and quite frankly I really want no part of it. I don’t like the idea of talking to a seeing more then one person while trying to get a “feel” for that person. And I am not the one to make the first move. I never have been. But I’m also not one to say yes just because someone wants to meet me.

I was talking with someone about my ex boyfriend and how I may have to settle for someone that isn’t him and here is the thing. No matter how much I love him, if he wasn’t the one that God has in store for me then I would have been settling if I had stayed with him. Does that change how I feel? No. I love him with everything that is still in me. What I do know is that if he wasn’t the one then whoever God has in mind will be even better for me then he was.

I can’t change the past, and I can’t erase that relationship and I really don’t want too. I prayed about him and I really felt that God had brought us together. If he did then someday and somehow he and I will find our way back to each other. If he didn’t the he will bring us to the ones we are meant to be with. I don’t know why or what lesson I am meant to learn from my failed relationship with himbut it will be clear after I’ve learned it.

So where does my heart go from here? I don’t know. But I know as long as God has a hold of it I’ll be okay.

An open letter

Dear love,

A week ago we said our goodbyes and I’ll be honest I still have no idea how we fell apart. I don’t know how it went from good to gone in a matter of days. Was it a lack of communication? Was it pride? Where we unwilling to trust each other? Did we not love as much as we said we did?

These are the questions that have been raging through my mind for the last nine days. I can’t even begin to understand where we both went wrong. I know that I overreacted at times and yes I was a little (okay a lot) high maintenance. My insecurities could get the best of me and my doubts could consume me.

What I know was that I love you. I love you with everything that is in me and I miss you with every breath I take. I miss our talks, I miss our joking around. I miss the silly text messages that we would send. I miss you calling me on all my BS. I miss you laughing at me as you tried to teach me how to fish. I miss you rolling your eyes when I got the line stuck in the tree. I miss our kissing and how we would hold hands. I miss you holding me as we watched a movie. I miss lying there talking at the end of the day. I miss how you would be there for me and back me up when it came to the boys. I miss riding in the car with you and laughing as you jammed out to the music. I miss you using my thigh as a drum.

I miss everything about you and I don’t know if you miss me as well. I miss you yelling “babe” to get my attention when I was in another room. I just miss you. You were more then my boyfriend, you were my best friend and the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were the one that I wanted to share my children with, my grandchildren, my everything.

I’ll be honest right now. I want you back but I don’t know how to tell you that. I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am for everything that I did wrong. I don’t even know how to get the words out. I don’t know how to tell you that without you I feel like a huge part of my heart is gone. I don’t know how to say to you all the things I wish I would have said.

I know I said goodbye but I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted you to take me in your arms and tell me that we would be okay and that we would get through this. That our relationship would be stronger. And what hurts is that you let me walk away. You let us go.

Did you even love me as much as you said you did? Did you really want to spend the rest of your life with me like you said? What made you want to leave? Was it my children? Was it the fact that I couldn’t biologically give you a son? Was it all just to much? Why? Why get involved with me if you weren’t going to be in it for the long run? Why awaken my love if you weren’t going to love me in return? Why treat my boys like they were your own if you weren’t going to keep that promise?

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers to these questions, in fact I don’t know if I’ll ever even see you again. What I do know is that I love you and for the rest of my life I will always love you.

I’ll look back on our relationship and smile because it was good. We were good together and for a time we both were happy. I pray that down the road you find what you are looking for. I’m just sorry it wasn’t me.

All my love,
Me

Trust, why is it so hard?

Trust. Such a simple word and concept but yet to me the hardest thing to master. Trust is something that everyday we put into practice. We trust that we are going to wake up, we trust that when we flip the light switch our lights will go on. We trust that we will have running water and all the little things that make our lives a little easier. But in reality do we really trust?

Trusting in things is easy. We know and expect that in the short life span of things they are pretty reliable but is that where we should really place our trust? Shouldn’t our trust be in our family, our friends and The Lord? It should and yet that is where I know I struggle in placing my trust.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I’ve been really sick for a while and landed in the hospital last week. I got some not good news that could be a life changing thing in regards to my heart. I have faced death I don’t know how many times and yet I’ve never been as scared as I was last week. Maybe it’s because I’m older but my own mortality was evident. I realized that it could have been lights out for me and that my time on earth could have need done. And it scared me. All my doubts and insecurities came out yesterday and I was not in a good place. My soul was uneasy and not at rest. My thoughts were poison and trying to destroy me. My mindset was to ruin everything that I held dear.

I cried on my nephews shoulder and just poured my heart out. But as I did that he said something that really made me think. I had said that I know I have trust issues and he replied that no I don’t. He said that in order for me to have trust issues I have to have trust. And then he looked me straight in the eye and said that I don’t have trust in anything.

I was shocked but it got me thinking, was he right? Do I not have any trust in anything or anyone? And I realized that he was right. My trust has been so shattered that it’s almost completely gone. I have a horrible time trust in anything including myself. I don’t trust my own feelings and I certainly don’t trust anyone else. And I have a very hard time trusting in God. The very person that I have sworn I love and will serve for the rest of my life I find it difficult to place my trust in. Why? Why do I struggle so hard with that simple simple word?

I know intellectually why I struggle. With everything that I have gone through I’m amazed at that fact that I am still standing sometimes. Life has tried and tried to break me. I’ve been through so much and everyday I still make the decision to stand tall and stare life in the face. I know that I have a call on my life and that Satan does not want to see that ministry that god has given me and the passion be used to further the kingdom of God. But if I know this and I know that so much of my struggle is a spiritual attack then why do I hold on to the distrust? Why can’t I let go of what’s holding me back?

God doesn’t want me to focus on the negative. He wants me to focus on the good things and the blessings that he gives me. He wants me to take the negatives and use them for his glory. He wants me to rise above whatever the enemy can throw at me. He wants to protect me. So if I know this then you would think that I would be smart enough to let go right?

Well the answer isn’t always yes. I’m not always smart about my life. In fact I have done some really stupid things. I have gone where I shouldn’t go, done what I shouldn’t do and said what I shouldn’t have said and yet God has always loved me and welcomed me back with open arms. Knowing this and knowing that He has always and will always be there should make it easy to trust right? Not always.

I know that I have to begin to let go of the wall around my heart. I have to allow those stones of distrust and anger to be taken down. The problem is that it hurts. God can’t even begin to rebuild the shattered pieces of my heart until he takes away the walls keeping everybody out. I can’t begin to trust when I have held onto the distrust like a badge of honor. I have to risk it all and understand that I will be hurt. If I truly want to grow as a woman, a mother, a daughter and someday a wife then I have to allow God the opportunity to rebuild me. And yes I have to trust in everyone and everything that I have said that I will trust in.

I have to begin to trust myself and that my friends is the scariest part of all. Because I and I alone have made the mistakes and put myself in the positions that I have been in that has caused my trust to be broken. I have to trust in myself and know that even
if I am hurt again that I have done all I can. I have to trust in myself and know that I am a woman after Gods own heart.

Will it be easy? No this will more then likely be the hardest journey I have ever taken. Will it be short? No, it will take my whole life to even begin to learn what all God wants me to learn. Will it be worth it? Yes it will.

One of my favorite sayings is “Be the type of woman that as soon as your feet hit the floor Satan says ‘oh crap she’s up!'” That is who I strive to be. My son reminded me yesterday that since I want to be that type of woman Satan is going to make sure I don’t want my feet to hit the floor. I can’t take a bold stand and not expect to get hit. And the best way to hit me is in my weak areas. In my case trust.

I know what I have to do. I have to follow the path that God has laid out for me. I have to go where he leads me. I have to love as he loves and I have to trust. I have to completely surrender to his ways and let him truly be The Lord of my life. I have to begin to trust again.

I have to let go of the anger and hurt that the world says I am entitled to hang onto. I have to leave myself so open to his plans and trust that he will protect me. I can’t do it by myself and I am foolish to even try. We aren’t meant to try. We aren’t meant to be by ourselves.

I think the reason that trust is so hard is because we try so hard to do it ourselves and we were not meant to. If we truly follow God and let him lead is then I think trust will come easier. Maybe not right away but in His timing. He loves us so much and just wants to show his glory through us.

So here I am Lord, I’m wide open. I’m allowing you to begin to tear down that wall around my heart. Rebuild what has been broken. Give me back what others have tried to take from me. Let me be an example of how you can take a broken and shattered life and turn it around for your glory. Shine through me in such a way that only you remain. Let me be so full of your love and your glory that people can tell I worship you just by my life. Let it be known that I am yours and yours alone.

Lord whatever path you have I follow. I know I struggle but I really do want to place my trust in you. Lord you know where I am in this life right now and I still have the peace that I am on the right path. Lord I ask that you guard my heart Lord. And allow me to share it with the one that you have chosen for me.

Build me into the woman that you have intended me to become. Make me the mother that my children need. Make me the wife that I will someday become. Make me the daughter to you and to my parents that I was destined to be. In short Lord make me wholly and completely yours

Love, am I truly ready?

Love is something that each and every one of us need. We search for it, we crave it and when we feel like we don’t have we feel empty. We look for ways to fill the empty space in our hearts that only love can fill. We think that, oh if I could just find “the one” then I’ll be happy. All of my worries will melt away and we will live happily ever after. But that’s just a fairy tale.

So you do find the one and things are going great. You are in the first stages of love and looking at life through rose colored glasses. You will be together forever and nothing will tear you apart. Your love is complete and utter perfection and you just know that the rest of your life will be just as wonderful. But what do you do when reality sets in?

What do you do the first time you realize you aren’t in love with a perfect person? That they have little habits that annoy you? What do you do when the things that you thought were cute now just seem immature? How do you handle it when you feel that if your significant other really knew the truth about you they would run the other direction? This my friends is when you truly begin to love.

When you can look at the other person and realize that while yes they aren’t perfect they are perfectly imperfect for you. When you can get through the annoying and childish behavior and still want to be with that person. When you finally let the walls down and let some one see the real you and pray they stay.

Love is a spectrum of every emotion known to man. The one you love may be the only one that can make you the happiest and yet drive you to your deepest anguish. They can lift your spirit yet plunge you to the depths of hell. When someone touches those kinds of emotions it’s a scary place to be. Falling in love is not for the faint hearted. It takes time, effort and courage to get past the fairy tale of love and live in the reality of love.

The reality of love is simple. When you choose to stay and give it your all then it is the best thing that can ever happen. But to many of us do not know how to love. Not ourselves and certainly not the one that’s been chosen for us. But how do we learn to love? I’d start with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.

Many of us know these verses and have heard them at countless weddings but do we listen? Do we understand? “Love is patient love is kind”. Be patient with people. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Be kind to those around you. Go the extra mile. Don’t be jealous of the past or present. Trust your partner. If they hurt you (which they will) forgive and let it go. Be honest with each other even if knowing that the truth hurts. Because nothing hurts more then a lie.

Do not look for reasons to be mad. Be equal in all things. You’ve chosen to build a life together and that means that neither are better then the other. Don’t keep a record of who makes what. Just know that you are both trying your best to support each other. Protect and guard your partners heart. Keep it close to yours. Do not allow thought of others to distract you from the one you have chosen to love. Do not fall for the fairy tale but build the life that’s perfect for you both.

In short love each other as Christ loves us. Live for your partner and be willing to lay down your life if need be.

I started this off by asking if I was ready for love. Six years ago when I got divorced no I wasn’t. But in that time I met someone and built a friendship with him. Now here we are six years later and I can honestly say I am truly in love. I don’t know where the road will take us but I do know that I look forward to traveling it with him. He is my best friend and I am truly lucky. While yes our dating relationship is still new I know that it is where I’m meant to be right now.

So am I ready? Can I trust? Yes, yes I can.

An apology

Today has been a day of learning and hurts. Today a message was preached at my church that really resonated with me. The reason why is because it dealt with baggage and how we carry around hurts. Everyone is guilty of doing that but where it really hit is when Jason talked about dumping on other people. Something happened at church today that really hurt me. Now don’t get me wrong I am in no way blameless; in fact I take full responsibility for my actions. I was being very critical and it came off as being offensive. Did I deserve the chastisement? Yes I did but what I did not deserve was it turned in to an attack. I’m not perfect, never have been and never will be, but to have one of my God-given talents attacked cut me to the core.
After I cried I realized that I had a few options. I could dwell on the comment and let it eat at me, I could get angry and leave my church, I could be quiet and refuse to use the voice that God has given me or I could choose to learn from it and get over it. I’m choosing to get over it and learn from it. I refuse to carry any baggage anymore and I am turning it into garbage, because here is the difference. Baggage is something that you carry and really don’t want to get rid off. Garbage is all the crap that you don’t want. There is a lot of things in my life that I don’t want to carry around anymore. I don’t want the garbage and so I will remove it. I’m dumping it at the curb of my life and walking away. I’m running to the arms of my father in heaven who is always there for me.
This said let me apologize for anything that I may have done or said that could have been an offense. I take full responsibility and will strive to remove that from my daily life. There is one thing that I absolutely refuse to apologize for. I will never be sorry that I have a strong singing voice. Accuse me of trying to “out sing” all you want but I will never allow anyone to silence my voice. Can I sing? Yes I can. Is my voice strong and loud? Yes it is. When I’m worshipping I don’t keep quiet. God gave me the voice and therefore I will continue to use it. Nothing gives me more pleasure and joy then lifting my voice to The Lord. I constantly have a song in my heart and I sing to him daily. I don’t do it to show off, I don’t do it to prove how well I can sing and I certainly don’t do it to overshadow anyone else. My voice gets lifted to God and God alone and forgive me but I was under the impression that is what worship is all about.
Again for my actions this morning I take full responsibility and I again apologize. I am human though and sometimes my actions do get a head of me. I strive to be the best Christian that I can but sometimes I fall short of that. I love my Lord and would never want to cause him hurt. One thing I know is that when I lift my voice it is a sweet sweet sound to his ears and his ears are the only one that matters.

Open and poured out

Being a mom has always been one of the most important things in my life, second only to my relationship with Jesus Christ but lately being a mom has been an all-consuming roller coaster ride. I’m being flung backwards, forwards, side to side and upside down at breakneck speeds and I can’t seem to find my way off. It has no beginning and no foreseeable end. I know that I am not the only mother to be overwhelmed but for the last few months I have gone past overwhelmed into a flat-out panic of I can’t do this any more.

Trying to raise three children is hard in and of itself but other than the support of my parents (who give me a place to live and have helped with my bills while I was unemployed) I have been on my own. Yes my kids have fathers but neither are actively involved in their children’s lives. I don’t count weekend visits as being active when those every other weekends are the only time they see their kids. What makes it even harder is that each and every one of my kids has a mental disorder. My oldest (besides being a mouthy teen-aged boy) has ADHD, ODD and PTSD. Each one of these places so much pressure on the family. My middle child has bi-polar disorder and can be fine one minute and then be in hysterical tears the next. Both of them are a struggle to parent without a strong male in their lives but it is my youngest son who has made this journey of motherhood so scary and exhausting. My youngest son is autistic. For the most part he is high functioning and is even mainstreamed in school but there are days when I honestly do not know what to do.

I have fought and fought since he was little to be the best mother and to give him all of the advantages that I can but it seems like I take one step forward and three steps back. When he is in a rage and kicking and screaming I am so scared that I won’t be able to do this anymore. I’ve cried and I’ve hit my knees but all it does is seem to get worse. I have to continually fight against that inner voice that loves to taunt me and tell me what a rotten mother I am and how Nick would be so  much better off if I wasn’t his mother. I feel guilty because he takes up so much of my time and I feel like my other two boys are not getting the attention that they need from me.

All I want ans a mother is for my boys to grow up healthy, happy and loved. I want them to know that more than anything their mother loved them with everything that is in me. I want them to become Godly men who raise their own children in the ways of Christ. I want them to have such a relationship with Christ that everything else pales in comparison. I want them to be good husbands and fathers and I am very scared that since they don’t have a positive relationship with their fathers that they won’t know how to do that. I want them to have good godly role models that they can look up and other than their grandpa they don’t have that.

With all of that though I want to know that I can do this and that I am strong enough even though it doesn’t feel like I am. I struggle every day and I feel like such a failure as a mother. When they mouth at me or when Nick goes into a meltdown so bad that I can’t even control him how am I being effective? Am I even making a difference in his little life? everyone keeps telling me to focus on God and lean on his strength (shoot I give that advice all the time) but it is so hard to do! When I have no one to hold me and tell me I am doing a good job with my boys I feel so lost. I feel like all I am is their mother and not a very good one at that. I have hardly anyone to talk to and I really don’t have anyone I can run to.

Don’t get me wrong I have a few amazing friends but even they don’t understand what I go through being my children’s mother. I hold in the tears until I finally can’t hold them anymore. I have prayed and prayed for strength and courage but when it feels like all my faults and nothing good are being pointed out all I want to do is run. I want to run and forget but I can’t do that. One I love my children and I would miss them if I wasn’t around them and two I am their mother no one else. I just feel like I can’t do it right.

These were my feelings going into church this morning. As I was signing in worship all of these feelings came to a head and I collapsed crying. The tears were flowing freely and I couldn’t stop them. All I could say was “Oh God” I just kept repeating that over and over again while my soul cried out. I cried for my baby and how badly I want him to be okay. I cried for my oldest who has been through and seen way more than he ever should. I cried for my middle son who tends to get lost in the shuffle. What I didn’t do was cry out for myself.

I didn’t cry out for the deepest desire of my heart. I have asked God so many times for that desire and it hasn’t been answered yet so I quit asking. I want it so badly and it isn’t happening and there are times that I feel like it won’t. I feel like this is my punishment for not being able to control my children and to be a good mother. I feel like it is my punishment for getting divorced twice and not following Gods will. I feel like I am to forever remain alone.

Yes my desire is for a godly husband. I want a husband more than anything. I want someone who will help me parent my boys, love them like they were his own and be willing to be a dad. I want someone who can be my best friend, someone who I can go to with anything. For three years I have prayed and begged God to send me a husband and yet it hasn’t happened yet and I am beginning to think that it never will. The thing is that even though I want that so badly I am okay if it doesn’t. I will still love God even if I am to spend the rest of my life alone. As much as I don’t want to I am okay with it. (That doesn’t stop the desire or the loneliness.)

Lord you and you alone have heard my prayers, my cries and yes even my anger. You know what I desire deep in my heart and it is your will what you choose to do with that. Lord my children are in your hands and if you say that I have the strength through you to be their mother then I will take you at your word. You entrusted them to me and I will strive to be the best mother that I can be. I know that I will still struggle and fall sometimes but I will always get back up again. I love those boys with everything that is in me and I know that at the end of the day that is all that matters.

Lord if it is your will I will ask again. Please please send me a godly husband. Send me one that meets all of YOUR qualifications as well as mine. Send me the one that you have chosen for me and my kids but only if it is your will. If it is not your will then I ask that you give me strength and that you remove the desire to be married from me. I only want to seek your face and will Lord no one else. I don’t want what the world says I should want, I want what you say I should want.

Simply put Lord I want you.

Strong or Weak? Which am I?

A question that each and everyone of us ask ourselves is; “Am I strong enough?”. For me that is a question that I ask everyday. With everything that is going on in my life I ask myself and God constantly am I strong enough for what I have to do. Am I strong enough to walk this road that we call life? Am I strong enough to be a mother? Am I strong enough to lead other people to Christ? The answer is no.

No I am not strong enough to do what I have to do. No I am not strong enough to walk this road that we call life, No I am not strong enough to be a mother, and no I am not strong enough to lead people to Christ. At least I am not strong enough on my own. The more I try to do on my own the more I fail.

I have often wondered why I have gone through the things that I have. Now I’m not trying to play the victim and say “oh woe is me look at my terrible past” because there is always someone who has gone through worse things then I have. In fact I don’t even like to say that I am or was a victim of things. Was I abused? Yes but I am not a victim of abuse. I am a survior. However I would not be a survior if I didn’t have strength.

The very things that I have gone through could either have made me or broken me. My past is not a good one even though I grew up in a great home. In fact I am one of the lucky ones. My parents are still together and still very much in love even after 47 years of marriage. No my past comes from the bad decsions that I made growing up. I let the world color my view of the cross and turned my back on Jesus Christ.

I alone made the choice to become involved in abusive relationships and stay in them. I alone made the choice to search for love in the form of sex. All that got me was a child at a young age and yes I alone made the choice to keep my baby. While I made the choices that brought me to drugs and alcohol I also made the choice to leave. I made the choice to walk away from the things that were slowly killing me and my spiritual life.

I realized one day (while I was pregnant with my oldest child) that I could no longer live on my own. I could no longer even try to live the way I was living. I knew that I would either have to change or to leave and when I mean leave I mean leave this life. There are days that I still feel this way.

I made the choice to ask Jesus in to my life, to be my lord and saviour but I didn’t fully let him in. I still thought that I needed to do things on my own and with my own strength not knowing that I have no strength on my own.

It’s funny but I have been told that I am strong woman and that people honestly don’t know how I do all that I do. For those that don’t know me I am a single mother of three boys one of whom is Autistic. I am also going to school full time to obtain my RN license. I have to laugh at that because I’m NOT strong!

I question and cry everyday that I can’t do this. There are days that I just want to run and leave the pressures of motherhood behind. I want to kick and scream and then curl into a ball and disappear. Then I realize that I can disappear and I will be okay, if I disappear into the arms of Jesus Christ.

My strength comes from him and him alone. If I didn’t have the holy strength of Jesus Christ I would have given up a long time ago. When I feel my strength leaving I call upon him and fall into his word and worship. I feel his strength coming over me and I know that I can make it one more minute, hour and day. There is never a time where I say “okay Lord I’ve got this you can let me be”. More often then not I say ” Lord I don’t have this and I need you to take over” The I hear his calm loving voice tell me “My daughter I have this and I always have, rest in me”.

So go ahead call me strong and ask me how I do it. The answer is obvious. I am not strong and I don’t do it. Every act of strength that you see from me is Jesus Christ not me. How I can parent and lead people to Christ is through him. If I had to walk this road without the love and guidance of Jesus I wouldn’t be walking.

To answer my question that I asked at the beginning which am I? The answer is I am weak unless I have the strength of Jesus Christ. Once I have that and the knowledge that his strength is all I need the I am strong.  As is says in Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”

So strong or weak? Which are you?

My Life

I was lying in bed last night and my past kept running through my mind. I was amazed at how far I’ve come and how much God has actually saved me from. I was born and raised in a Christian home (in fact my dad is a pastor) and I learned from an early age that being a Christian was what I was supposed to do in my life. When I was younger I didn’t think too much about it but as I got older my heart became hard.

I became very good at talking the talk but very few people actually knew I wasn’t walking with the Lord. In fact I think only myself and the Lord knew although my parents may have suspected that I didn’t fully believe in the Lord. Inside I was laughing scornfully at the Christians that attended my dad’s church. I went to camp and convention only to get away from my parents and because there were always cute guys that went to camp and convention.

I would raise my hands and I would sing but it meant nothing to me. This pattern continued in my life even after I got married. While we were around my parents we played the part of a happily married Christian couple. That changed when we moved. The minute that we were on our own our true sinful selves came out. My ex-husband started drinking again and dragged me into the party scene right along with him. I quickly learned what the drug and alcohol world was all about. The fact that I was able to walk away from that with the help of my sister was nothing short of a miracle. How I was able to escape without being addicted to the drugs and the alcohol  that I was involved in I will never know.

My sister helped me leave that toxic marriage after it became clear that my life was in danger. During the two years we were married my ex abused me so cruelly that I still bear the emotional and some physical scars from his abuse. I learned very quickly how to duck as plates came flying at my head and how to defend myself from hammers being used to hit me with. God saved my life even though I didn’t believe in him.

I left my abusive ex-husband and he filed for divorce. While I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized I discovered I was pregnant with another man’s child. I was young, only 18 and I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby. I remember sitting in my room seriously contemplating how much better my life would be if I just had an abortion. No one would have to even know that I was pregnant and I could actually get on with my life. It wasn’t until I heard the heartbeat of my now 13-year-old son for the first time that I realized it was a baby inside and there was no way I could get rid of it. Again God took my sinful state and gave me one of the greatest blessings ever when He gave me my son.

During my pregnancy I realized that even if I didn’t keep my baby there was no way I could continue to live my life the way I was going. I called my dad and asked him to pray with me. I gave my life to the Lord for the first time in July of 1997 and I have never looked back. When my son was born in December of that year and placed in my arms I knew I could never give him up, and decided to raise him.

However I was still a young unwed mom and I prayed for God to send me a dad for my son. When my son was 8 months old I met what seemed to be God’s answer to my prayers. I was still young though so I didn’t fully take the time to think, pray and wait before I jumped into a relationship. A mere six months after we met we were married. Things were great for a while until I became pregnant with my second child. When we discovered that it was a boy my husband’s relationship with my oldest son (whom he had adopted) changed. My son suddenly could do nothing right even at the age of 2. That was when the verbal abuse started on my son and when I was 7 months pregnant I was pushed into the coffee table so hard that I broke it. I should have left then but I didn’t.

I thought I was doing the right thing and I stayed in a marriage that just continued to become a verbal battlefield. There were few happy times and when my husband did talk to me and our oldest son it was to tell us everything that we were doing wrong. Finally after 9 1/2 years and another son later I gathered my courage and my children and I left. The sad thing was that it took my ex-husband FOUR days to realize that my children and I had moved out.

Through all of this my faith in God took a beating as my ex was not an active believer. He went to church but I don’t think he meant it. ( in fact I still don’t know if he does although I pray daily that he will come to know the Lord). When God healed me of asthma I knew that I had to give my life back to him. I’ll admit it I’m not perfect and I do stumble and sin but I always get back up and go running straight back to my Lord and Savior.

God has been so amazing to me throughout my life and I can’t wait to see what else he has in store for me. I’m not gonna lie, I really hope and pray that His plan includes a godly husband but even if it doesn’t I will still serve him with everything I’ve got. I will take what I have been through and I will use that to help others. I’ll be upfront and open about my past if it means that someone else will see that God can and will forgive anyone if they just ask. I will testify to his love and mercy everyday of my life.

My life is not my own anymore, it belongs to Jesus Christ. He is just letting me use it to bring him glory. Even before I trusted and believed him he saved me when he didn’t have to. God is a God of second chances and I’d be a fool to let mine go. I thank God every day for what he has done and is doing in my life. I am proud to say I am a Christian now and while I am very good at talking the talk I am even better at walking the walk.